I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
