I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
