i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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