I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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