my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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