hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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