I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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