I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
