am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
