I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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