dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
