Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
