I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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