I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
