I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
