Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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