We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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