Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
