We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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