just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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