he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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