we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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