So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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