A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
