I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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