I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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