She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
