Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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