Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
