Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
