he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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