I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
