Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
