Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
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Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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