i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
