Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
