plz talk dirty to me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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