I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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