so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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