he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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