Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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