...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
