Cold hands, warm shart.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
