I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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