I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
