I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
