It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Help me help you realize you are a moron
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
