my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
even my farts smell like vagina
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
