he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
