i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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