I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
