WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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