Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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