you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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