so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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