if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
