My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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