I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
