i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
sex in a hospital.. check
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
