I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
