my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
