happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
